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Sanjana

Confessions of a book lover 

The sight of books, the smell of books, the sound of flipping the pages and the bittersweet moment turning the last page of a good book. Welcome to the confessions of a book lover. 

1. When you’re unable to keep the book down;

2. You NEVER have enough books;

3. When you are hopelessly in love with fictional characters;

4. Where have you been all my life, bud?

5. Well, the feeling of contentment tho;

6. When the book hits you hard…

Reading is living and learning. Books are like friends and therapists and teachers. Aren’t they? They remind us that every good thing will come to an end and Every hardship won’t last forever either.  Never underestimate the power of books, words and above anything – readers. They are the ones who have the most vivid imaginations and the passion to bring about a revolution. Readers constantly evolve and grow as people.  Readers are leaders. Sadly today where technology is gradually decreasing the essence of life, take time to cheat on your phone with a book. The joy and sorrow at the end of a good book is a feeling we all should experience in life. With books you can witness the snowfall in Norway, skyscrapers in New York city, the fall in London, the electric buzkashi sport in Afghanistan, the gothic architecture of Brussels, intra romance in Paris, sunsets of Greece, just under one roof. This world book day grab a cup of coffee and read, because sometimes getting lost is good. 🚶

Dear Ex

How does it feel when you have anticipated the future with somebody and you realize they aren’t even a part of your life today?

Dear ex,

I wonder if you ever think about me like I do. I think about you while I’m driving and your favourite song plays. I think about all the duet performances we did in my car. How we drove for hours to eat your favorite Butterscotch and caramel ice cream. The days we spent watching movies laying on our couch. Every time I listen to a romantic song I think of dedicating it to you. Fridays don’t excite me anymore as much as they used to. Parties remind me of your dancing, your toned body moving with the rhythm and beats of loud music and your hair swaying in the air like you didn’t care. The post party confessions are still so precious.

I still go to your favorite store on the 4th of every month with the hope of seeing you. I hide at the corner to just have a glance of your face. Just to see if you still keep tucking strands of your hair above your left ear. And trust me I could look at you for hours. After months of hoping, waiting, praying I did get to see you. And I never felt happy to be alive until that day. Almost instantly I felt the pain on my chest reduce. I saw you intricately, and it felt therapeutic. I want to be your shopping list keeper and help you as you swatch five thousand shades of red lipstick on your hand. I want to just sit with you everyday and share my cup of coffee and talk. I wonder how we never ran out of things to talk about. Can’t we just watch ‘Beautiful Sunrise’ one last time and cuddle? I miss your hands, your cold hands.
I want you to know that I’d do anything just to carry you on my back and sing Ed Sheeran songs. My eyes welled up when I saw you pick the cologne I use. When I look at you, I observe that nothing much has changed about you. Just that you’ve become a strong and an independent woman. And I can’t tell how proud I’m, for the person you’re becoming. Your absence is painful. Maybe we were meant to be apart to realize how much we NEED each other?
I want you to know that I’ll never forget the way you talk about things you like and about the people you love. I search for you in every person I meet. In every conversation, I think about your views on it. I want you to know that you deserve somebody who knows what it is to have you. I hope you fall in love all over again. And I desperately hope that would be me. If you’re reading this I want you to know that I never thought something so perfect, pure and passionate could exist and then you happened.

Love and apologies,
Your ex.

Never let the child inside you die. 

Most of us want to go back to being a child. No worries, no pressure. The times when Life and math, both were simple. You know the best part of being a child? Being your true self. NEVER LET THE CHILD INSIDE YOU DIE. A child doesn’t care about anything, lives life just as it comes. A child always stays positive and hopeful. A child thinks he/she doesn’t have limitations or boundaries. A child doesn’t give a damn about the society. A child is always unbiased and honest. A child above anything is genuine.  Funnily, today as we grew up, we care about the society above anything else, we think of all the worst outcomes of every situation, we set our own limitations and crib about not progressing. The child within you is to remind you to keep going even if times are hard. The child within you wants you to write cards and give warm hugs to your mother. The child within you wants you to violate some rules so that you’ll have some memories to share. The child within you wants you to beak all your insecurities and inhibitions, it wants you to be happy, genuinely. The child within you wants you to set yourself free from all the boundaries.

This child as he grew up was taught, influenced and manipulated by the society.  Therefore today this child is working 13 out of 24 hours at a job he wants to run away from, trying so hard to keep his marriage going, wanting to give some time to his family. And at the end of the day, this child cries to himself to sleep at night. This child is done trying to match the society’s standards. This child JUST. WANTS. TO. LIVE. He wishes to go back being the child he was. 

Don’t let the child inside you die, for it teaches you how to live. 

Intentions

Intentions, I would emphasize on this objective all through my life. You may be the CEO of a multinational company or the most sought-after industrialist but anything you achieve with the wrong intentions doesn’t mean anything at all. There are two types of people. One: those who wish and hope that everything’s going great with you from the outside. And two: those who wish and pray that everything’s great from within. But the proportion of us meeting such people is 20:1. So if you find people who genuinely want you to progress and want to see you happy, don’t only value them but also reciprocate the same for them.  But ironically, we tend to see everything from the outside. From how sugar-coated things seem to look like. Friends aren’t those you can share only your success with; friends are those who you could talk about how you feel on the day you lost your job, how the park behind your apartment reminds you of your neighbour or anything which is taking away your peace without being hesitant. You can talk about the deepest of your Insecurities.

With the right intentions all the small things you achieve seem to be big, all things you wanted would be the things you will cherish. Write with the intention to let people know that they aren’t alone. In sports, play for the country’s glory and pride. In life,   everything done with your soul would always be magic. 

Always remember that communication isn’t just verbal. How could the length of a text or duration of a phone call signify the essence of any relationship? You may talk to a person for hours without asking the question they were desperately wanting to hear, “How have you been lately?”  “How’re you feeling?”
Misinterpretation that the ones you talk to the most are your true friends. It’s false, you may not talk to a few regularly but they are the ones who could move mountains if you want them to. There are people who you aren’t aware off thinking about you, thinking about the struggles you faced, the way your tenderness moved them and how much they hope to see to you do great in LIFE. So don’t always look for their actions, but the intentions behind their actions. However our existence in the society is also based on our actions which would be judged by man and intentions behind them which are judged by God, so why don’t we strive for good actions and intentions? This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. So when you love somebody, no matter what type of relationship you have with them, always remember to be honest with them, tell them you love them and respect their existence and PRESENCE.
Don’t compare love and concern with absurd standards; it may be one of your worst regrets.
Some people would love hearing your voice, but there’re some who love to hear you laugh. And when two people have a good laugh, its more than just a good time. It the sync of heartbeats, it’s when the world seems like a blurred object and that moment is where all the tribulations and trials seem to fade,  and your troubles are forgotten. It’s a melody you could hear on repeat.Its also about understanding their Silence. It’s about that person who would be there when your world is falling apart, when you’re hard to love. It’s a commitment, a soul deep relationship.  It’s about holding on to the person and loving them when they aren’t able to love themselves. It’s about warm hugs and pounding hearts and splendid memories.

All about us – Part 3.

Please make sure you’ve read part 1 & 2.

I woke up. Realising her face was so close to mine, and that’s when I got to look at how gorgeous she truly was. She was asleep and I could look at her all day long. I smiled to myself and acknowledged that I’ve got the privilege to love her who was simply art, so deep and wonderful. 15 minutes later she woke up, “You are so beautiful,” I said. She looked straight into my eyes. Her ocean eyes met my gaze reflecting a brilliant spark of life where drowning seemed the only way. She loved playing with my hair and I loved when she did that.
We reached after an eight-hour long flight to Frankfurt finally at 6:30 pm, stepping down from the plane and realizing we were almost 6200 kilometres away, it was euphoric. We left for our hotel and decided that all of us should freshen up and gather to dine at 8:30. It was a tiring flight indeed. Ananya and Radhika were in a room, I and Raghav were in the adjacent one on the first floor and Tushar sir was given a suite on the second. It was 8:30 and the boys were on time, Tushar sir was already waiting. Both Radhika and Ananya were taking too long to get ready and not to forget the selfies! I wore a grey full sleeve T-shirt. Both of them arrived within 10 minutes. Radhika wore a white sleeveless top perfectly fitting her and her hair tied in a bun. She sat next to me. Everyone on the table was deciding on what to order, I held her hand and said, “Stop taking my breath, Radhika.” and,”Vaibhav” we were interrupted, not realising it was the second time Raghav called me. “Yes, sorry.” I tried to pretend I was  listening. She chuckled.
After the flavoursome and tantalizing dinner, we left for our respective rooms. Both Radhika and Ananya were in our room and all of us had a great time, talking. Ananya and Radhika were in a serious conversation so Raghav and I started Gaming.  Radhika kept looking at me after some time she came close to me and whispered., “If you weren’t gaming, I would’ve kissed you.” it was a smart move. “This game is no more fun, get some better one’s bro,” I said to Raghav and ended it abruptly.
She laughed and I took her hand and we went to the kitchen.  I pulled her close and she blushed, “No way you can escape today.” I said naughtily as I raised my eyebrows. “Sure, I can, “ she said as she tickled me and that was my weak point clearly. “Fine,” I said with anger as I was taking a glass of water. There was silence for 10 seconds, and suddenly she kissed me and I couldn’t hinder the smile on my face. A kiss so sweet and comforting.

The next morning was the first day of the conference and we checked in our hotel at Munich at noon and the schedule was well oriented. Conference registration, welcome address , and dinner after which there was a session to know one and other. The next day was again a busy one with students, young professionals, and journalists from  diverse backgrounds having debates and discussions  on serious issues like Substantial development, and water privatization. The night was an exciting one as it was the ‘Culture night’  and the theme was Special traditions so we were proudly flaunting our ethnic wear in the most extravagant cities of Germany. That was the first time I was going to see her in a saree. A saree has just the right amount of Modesty and just the right amount of Exposure. An epitome of elegance and yet defines sensuality. The way she tucked her dark brown streaks of hair behind her ears, how innocently kept making sure her saree was properly worn. “You guys look so good,” she said to me and Raghav. “Thanks, you girls are going to be the show stealers today,” he replied. I kept my eyes only at her and smiled. It was an enthralling event. Just before we could leave the atrium I said,“Ich Liebe Dich wahnsinnig.“ In my broken german which meant, I love you insanely. She held me by my arm and said,“Me too.“ The last day comprised of assessments, evaluations, and the closing ceremony.


Radhika.

The  subsequent day around 11pm was our flight back to Delhi. And, it was Vaibhav’s birthday. I’d been breaking my head deciding how I could make it special for him. The closing ceremony took too long to get over and it was already late and all of us too tired. It was a relieving moment when a wonderful idea came to my mind. I hastily opened my laptop and checked out the details, it just went the way I wanted to. I’d ran to Tushar sirs suite. He was taken aback when he saw me, I apologized and he called me in. I explained what I had planned for the upcoming day, he refused initially after which I had to persuade him until he was okay. I was extremely excited.so, the next morning. I ran the door bell of room no 108, It was 5 30 in the morning, and luckily he opened the door. He came half awake to open the door and I hugged him wishing him a happy birthday. He caressed my hair and cheek. He was surprised because I was ready.
“Okay get ready in 10, I’m waiting.“
“In 10? I’ve to take a shower. Are we going anywhere?”
“Yes, I’ll be waiting in the hotel lobby. Don’t be late”
“Join me, we’ll take just 10 minutes,” he said and I walked into his room threw the towel towards him pointing to the bathroom. 15 mins and he managed to show up, in a white denim and a dark blue shirt matched with his white shoes. “Someone has shown up on time looking super hot,”
“haha btw, where are we heading to at this time?” We reach the spot half an hour later. “Okay so this the Romantic road,one of the most popular places in Germany,”
“Romantic road? quite interesting.”

“Yes, I have a few Confessions to make Mr. Vaibhav.” as I stood on the bench.  “There are some things about you which are insanely cute like, when you get jealous of some guy, and consciously stand next to me, but pretend to be all cool, when you quietly pull me onto the safer side of the road when we’re walking, the way you look at me, the way you play the guitar and sing all my favourite songs, everything about you. I love you more than you’ll ever know, I know I don’t show that a lot of times, but it’s always about you.”

“All about us,” he said, as he came closer and carried me “Its always going to be All about us.”

There’s a surprise waiting for you I said. And we reached Tandem after an hour. I covered his eyes with my hands and we walked for like 15 long minutes till we reached, “I really don’t know what’s happening.”

“We’re here,” I say as I uncover his eyes. “You’ve gotta be kidding me?! Good Lord, this is crazy!!” As he saw glider aircrafts around him, instructors and the board which read Paraworth Munich Tandem Paragliding. I knew his love for flying, it was the time he did something which meant more than just a passion to him. “It is time to fly love,” I said. He said he’ll be back in a few minutes and I was just observing Nature on such a beautiful day. “this is going to be so much fun.” he said. A woman came calling out for me and I was perplexed. “Was it Radhika you called for?”

“Yes ma’am the gentleman with you has enrolled your name.” I went up to him and said: “I can’t do this Vaibhav.” “It is going to be amazing, give it a try it’ll be alright.” he was too excited and I knew I would not be able to convince him. I faked a smile and my heartbeats were racing, I felt nausea. I couldn’t do this, pretty much like I was Acrophobic, I thought. “You’ll do fine, and this experience is going to be worthwhile,” the instructor said. And we were off to the skies. The take off was incredibly smooth and we were able to spend about 20mins up in the air. Probably breathtaking 20 minutes of my life. One of the finest views in the world is suddenly almost abruptly revealed. The full, majestic spread of the Bavarian alps is laid out before us. It was the whole Tegernsee and also Munich we could see. The sapphire blue waters were scenic. I never imagined I could really do this in life, but that’s what love does. It gives you the strength to accomplish your dreams, it teaches you to leave your comfort zone, it makes you compromise, above all it makes you wanna do everything to get a smile on their face. We landed and I’d never felt this happy before. I ran up to Vaibhav and both of us were heavily breathing. My lips part and our breaths mingle. My heart flutters as he draws me to his lips.

Back India, we carried  not only memories but also a companion for a lifetime.

The end 🙂

All about us – Part 2.

Today I complete one year of academic torture and some really good time which was compensated by Ms. Banerjee. Lately, I find myself a lot happy, and a little more grateful. It’s been 4 months since I’ve felt this way and I assume you know the reason. Wait, How did this happen?

4 months back we had ‘xtasi” the most awaited college event, which was a cultural fest held every four years. The entire college seemed extremely ‘ecstatic’ about it without a doubt. This was the time my life had taken a new turn, by far one of the best ones too. The month of October, rains were in action. A lot of proper planning and most importantly proper execution is mandatory for success. A good example had been set by the Cultural committee, in which I and Radhika were involved. (even till date, I thank God for that) It was at the end of this event, the cultural committee had decided to throw a party and celebrate for all their hard work had resulted in a fruitful outcome.

Friday evening, JW Mariott, New Delhi 7:30 pm and a bunch of 8 exuberant members, easy going and diplomatic. Food,wine, ambient music, fragranced air and laughter and lively conversations. It was at around 10 pm when all of us were a little drunk. I and Radhika went around the hotel lobby hand in hand and finally sat next to the pool. We didn’t speak much, there was silence, a sweet one.
The next day was a Saturday. Finally two days off, a much-needed break.
“Vaibhav, you’re always late,” says Radhika.
“Sorry, sorry, here” and I hand her a rose. Her expression changes at that instant.
“You can’t be angry at me for long, admit it,” I say with a smirk. She slightly punches my stomach. I laugh and she walks off.
I run and hug her from behind. I look into her eyes and she smiles. 6:17 am when the sky was perfectly blended with shades of red and orange, the smell of the last night showers, the silence of early mornings and a beautiful person next to you. Is there anything more you’ll need? Life seemed to have some life. We sit down and the sun rays partially light her face. “You’re the most beautiful thing happening to me. I swear to God, your existence is divine. She smiles and before she could tell anything, “And your smile, I can endure any pain as long as I see you smiling. To be very honest, I love you for the person you are. I love how every morning you wake up early and feed biscuits to the dogs outside campus, read books and go for a morning walk. I love how every day you’ve made me realize the simple pleasures of existence. You don’t seem to be in competition with anybody other than yourself. The fact that you love yourself and work on improving yourself is the thing makes me fall for you. The darkest nights seem to see a ray of sunshine now. Thank you Radhika, for being that Sunshine in my life. Home is not a place but a feeling, and darn you’re my home. I love you and everything about you.”

“Vaibhav,” she says and comes closer to me and keeps her head over my shoulder. I run my fingers through her hair. “I absolutely love being with you. I don’t only feel happy being with you, I feel content and safe.You’ve taught me that the honesty of a man starts within himself. You’ve taught me that goodness surpasses everything. It is quite a surprise to me, but I’m helpless and I’ll admit I’ve fallen pretty hard for you.” We stood up to leave, I held her hand and so did she, we started walking. I never wanted to leave those small, soft hands, that face and that beautiful soul.
catple_wallpapers_1168.jpg
Gosh! It is true that you’re in love when reality seems better than your dreams. Back at home life was hard.
Exams started which kept us occupied but still we would make some time for calls in the night. I was never proud of anything I was doing, neither was I certain about the important decisions of life. But for sure, I was sure about her.

Once during the second year.

It was 1:45 am and WhatsApp shows online.
“What happened? Didn’t sleep?” I text.
“Not feeling sleepy. what about you? :-O”
“Same. I want you here.”
And she didn’t reply for the next 10 mins.

“Open the door!!” she said.
I was flabbergasted. I quickly opened the door and I could see her standing there.
“You know how unsafe it is for you to come here at this time? You could have told me” I shouted.
It was rude of me, but I couldn’t stand the fact that she walked almost 2 blocks away from hers all alone at 2 am.
Girls I tell you, she made a sad expression, and I swear I couldn’t resist to kiss her.
“I’m going back,” she said walking towards the door. I caught her hand and told, “Don’t”
She tried to take her hand and I’d just watch her try her best.
She stopped, I smiled. “Don’t ever leave?” I said. She gave me a look. “I love you.” Still the same. “Don’t stand there, there’s a white mouse next to that cupboard” Ah! She got scared and screamed and grappled onto my shoulder. How adorable could she get? I started laughing which made her more mad.
But however she wasn’t like the typical girlfriends who demanded attention or gifts and I was obliged. That night was the best night of my life. We went to my balcony and spoke about things which matter and not about materialistic possessions, not our likes and dislikes but about our fears and our dreams without being judgemental. Trapped in a society of people who judges regardless of knowing the truth, this was rare and extra special. We spoke about our families, friends, the best memories from school, the worst heartbreaks, everything. We hugged each other and saw the sunrise that day, at 5:30 when she was leaving to her room. “Can’t we just skip to the part where I wake up next to you each morning?” I say. “Even I can’t wait,” she said as she turned her back towards me, well I didn’t know that was coming.

Radhika

First and second year escalated quick, the third year was life changing.
In the middle of the third year, in the month of August, there was an international youth conference held in Germany, almost from 18 different countries they had colleges taking part and it was a phenomenal experience. The perks of being a member of the cultural community, Myself, Vaibhav, Ananya and Raghav were chosen from our college based on our credentials and little did I and Vaibhav know that this trip would be one of the most incredible experiences of our lives. The conference comprised speakers from various countries and fields of work, followed by youth awards ceremony, and spirit kindling debates and discussions.

AUGUST 8, we board our flights and damn the excitement on our faces were quite evident. From India totally 11 students were lucky enough to witness this amazing event. Four from Delhi and Noida and three from Pune. It was an eight-hour flight to Frankfurt. Tushar sir was our guide and the best part was that he was just in his mid-thirties and we could totally get along with him. I sit next to Vaibhav and we laugh and talk about his first journey to Darjeeling when he was 14 and how he literally couldn’t breathe. All of us had a good time and three hours had already passed by. Ananya started showing her designer attires to me and we were indulged in that eventually Vaibhav fell asleep. I turned and realised he was fast asleep and looked at him, that sight left me with no words. The childlike face expression made me smile and realise that I am so grateful to have him in life. We were equally broken and understood emotions in a subtle way which made our love something we could never put into words. I kept my hand over his and cherished the bright side of life as I fall asleep on his shoulder.

Stay tuned for the adventures and memories of Vaibhav and Radhika in Germany, in the last part of All about us coming up by next week.

All about us – Part 1

The night was gloomy and hazy. I didn’t know how I would survive in this atmosphere all by myself. New faces,  a new phase by itself. A sense of being overlooked by people had started to develop. I had to survive in this hostel for 3 damn years. The thought of the future gave me shivers. No company, no companion. I had dreams of graduating from this university, but this despair had made those dreams  no more ecstatic. I missed home. I missed my family. Terribly. In a true sense, I understood that a good family was a blessing. Almost 18 years of age and I can tell you I can do absolutely nothing without my mother. I decided to go for a walk and hoped that would help in any manner. The college lawns were green and clean. On my way to the cafeteria, I saw somebody. She was sitting  under a tree out on a corner at around 7 when the entire college was busy making new friends and observing the campus. I went to the cafeteria and bought myself a cup of coffee. Delhi was GirlsNboyscold. On my way back she was still in that isolated area. I walked up to her. She didn’t bother.  “Go back to your room it’s getting late,” I said. She saw me and instantly smiled. And in that moment, I swore that if there’s a smile I could fall for, it would be hers.
“Yes, How did you know I was here?  She asked. “ I was going to my room and on my way, I happened to see you” I answered. “Hi, my name is Radhika!” She said. “I am Vaibhav, nice meeting you.” We enquired about our cities and knew that she was from Kolkata and I belonged to Bangalore. Pretty obvious that even she had to stay away from home in this hostel.  Yes, I’ll accept I was secretly happy. She walked with me and we began talking about our homes and how excited we were for tomorrow’s first day of college. She was really charming. And I was so happy to have made a new friend, finally!
“What were you writing?”
“ I lost my mother 6 months back, from that day onwards I often write in this diary when I miss her,  and when my eyes crave to see her. I wanted her to be with me on my first day of college.” Radhika answered.
“I am really sorry, Radhika,” I said.
“ You don’t have to be. “
I felt really bad about her loss. You require a lot of courage to open up in front of people  and especially to the ones you’re meeting for the first time. Radhika didn’t fail to surprise me, again! We left for our respective rooms and waited to see each other again the next morning.
The next day was quite exciting. We had an ice-breaking session. The day was, all in all, a good one, except for the fact that I and Radhika were in different classes. I met her again in the cafeteria when I was with Rachit and Abhinav. I was happy to be knowing the prettiest girl of college.

The White kurti with pink borders and pink earrings perfectly going with her hair had captured all of my attention making me wonder how someone could make such an unadorned and simple attire breathtaking.  Radhika was with two other girls who were busy checking out other fellows in college. She went to the billing counter to place her order and eventually even I did. A formal conversation and as we proceed with our respective orders to our places I drop a note in her bag, which read “Coffee at 6. Amici café. Vaibhav” I dIdn’t know how far she would come, but I waited for 6 pm so bad and hoped that she would turn up.

My watch reads 6:35 and I felt that it was the worst move anyone could ever take, Restlessly I wait there with my eyes not moving from the door.
My heart was beating at a pace twice the normal rate. And suddenly, I stand up in awe to welcome the one my heart longed to see. That feeling when I see her looking at me and coming towards me, I wanted time to freeze. I’d chosen to wear a black polo and keep it simple, and she chose to wear a red top and black denim with her hair open. Simply peerless.
“Sorry, I’m pretty late.”
“That’s not a problem. You look stunning in red.”
“Thanks, Vaibhav!” why did you have to ask me for coffee in a note? “
“I just didn’t know how to. Thank you for coming.”
“What if I did not turn up?”
“There were 100% chances of you not turning up, but somewhere deep within I knew you would.”
“Yes, I would never go if it was any other person.”
“Then how did you not mind coming here today?”
“That evening in college, when many others would have seen me and probably would have mocked at me and went, it was you who came telling me to go back to my room and that it wasn’t safe.”
“I didn’t know that gesture would make my day today.”
She smiled.
With her I felt different. With every passing minute I was drawn towards her more and more. It was a wonderfully weird feeling. I paid the bill and we left Café Amici at around 7:30 pm. “Come let’s go together”, I insisted.
“Let’s go for a walk maybe” Did I even have to take a second to think and answer, well certainly not.
We walk on the streets of a new city. The weather was biting cold.
“Why have You taken Bsc. Maths?” I ask
“I’ve always loved Mathematics, so why not do something which you like?”
“Not everybody can do what they want to”
“What makes you tell that?”
“I’ve always wanted to be a pilot. I just LOVE airplanes, flying AND the idea that I can FLY people around the world!”
She stops and looks at me straight in my eyes. She was certainly shocked.
“THEN, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?”
“You know the plane crash in 2010. Air India express from Dubai to Mangalore?”
“What about it?” still perplexed she asks.
“My brother was an aerospace engineer, often he would stay away from home and guide the Airline officers. We lost him during that mishap. My parents went through a lot of trauma, their sobs were never ending. Our lives had taken ways we could never imagine.”
Radhika holds my hand and looks at me.
“Misfortunes are inevitable Vaibhav. What assurance do you have about your life here?”
She made absolute sense. I stayed quiet.
“I’ve given up. I take this topic of me wanting to become a pilot, and they at once tell me to stop thinking about it. There’s this burning rage within which wants to make them realize that even if something happens to me as a pilot, It wouldn’t scare me. At least, I would not have to regret the fact that I was such a wimp in life.”
“Don’t worry. Things in life never come easy.”
“NEVER,” I say.

Stepping into Radhika’s world,

Vaibhav, the only reason I find something in this person is the way he is. The other day just the day before college had started I’d gone to the office to read the instructions on the notice board. 5:30 pm. Adjacent to it was a passage through which came some happy and pleasing voices. Curiosity awakened, and I went through that pathway. I see a well-built man with brownish black hair and a strong jawline, playing with the daughter of one of the domestic helpers of college. From one corner being unnoticed, I was enjoying the pleasant smiles. It was so amusing to see how the child was jumping and clapping her hands delightfully. When we intend to do things for others, without wanting anybody else to know or by the thought of receiving appreciation makes us evolve as souls. We do it for us, and that’s what matters in the end.

Part 1 ends here, part 2 will be up on the blog soon!

 

Love.. A four letter word with a bunch of emotions

For every individual love is different. One side of my mind says that love is when someone considers you as their responsibility, when they’re ready to accept you the way you are with your flaws! The other side whispers Love is Evil, it will wreck you down and crush all your emotions to profound levels. 
Break ups can totally damage an individual. The pain is the heaviest and and life seems equivalent to death. True love is the one which is not altered by time. If he loves you during the best times of life and leaves you when you’re facing your own battles and mess, he is nothing but an asshole who doesn’t really deserve you. Not only provocative attires should make him think you look pretty but also your pyjamas and undone hair should make him wonder about how beautiful you are. If he wants you, he’s pretending to be in love and if he needs you, he really does!
The first crush to the first kiss all of it are memories some great and some awful!  Some are fortunate enough to spend their entire life with their first crush probably which will be their last one too. Others? Well, they don’t give up. Love at first sight is a frolic. I mean isn’t it ridiculous to start loving a person just the minute you saw them. Appearances are deceptive. You can never judge something by the way it looks. If that was the case today, almost all scientists, doctors and engineers would remain bachelors and no models or singers or actors would be divorced. Love doesn’t mean getting high in a pub and then ending up in a hotel room or buying the most expensive gifts for the one you love. What it actually means is to respect the differences in each other, trusting  each other and have a good compatibility between the two. It is love when he sees the sunlight over your face, the worn out make-up, the way you sleep in the morning and realises and regards you as the most gorgeous person on this planet. If you love him or her, make them go after their dreams. Be a part of their struggle and then a part of their success.
If he’s offended by what you truly are, then beware he’s the worst mistake you’ve ever made. Each time he watches you he feels butterflies in his stomach, each time he finds you doing stuff you like very joyfully he’ll realise how lucky he is!

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Bitterly beautiful.

This disease is slowly consuming me little by little taking me closer to death. If only life could offer us a second chance, if only I could fulfill all what my heart wants. The burning desire to explore all the horizons, to be a support to my parents, sadly that is not what is destined. All I have to give my parents is wails and grief after I leave this planet, I scream like a homeless and anguish beggar asking God, to give me another chance. I’m 19, with a few dreams, desires. Why did this disease choose me? It’s like giving you something and taking it away like it didn’t matter at all. The melancholy of my soul, the pain in my eyes, the misery in my heart will remind me the cruelty of fate. People will only give sympathy and eyes filled with sorrow for me when all I need is support and an answer to all the unsolved question in my mind. My journey will soon come to an end, my life will come to immobility of actions and thoughts. I’ll be seeing my own world destroy with my own eyes and be completely helpless. My life is in a maze currently, I want to give up and rest in eternal peace and also a part of my heart craves to see a medical miracle and get over and win this disease ,But sadly our lives are not like the ones Disney movies show.
This urge to live, this urge to have spent some more time with the people I love is burning. Life’s playing the worst of all pranks on me. Each time I close my eyes I am afraid if I’d never open them again. With every heartbeat I hear a louder sound of the lubb-dubb in my heart. I tear apart and fall on my feet still does life change the truth? This harsh thing is nothing but the reality. I now realize how it is to see the different phases of life. We humans want to control everything we can, but can we control death and disease?

Time in this temporary world, is the most valuable entity
No matter how hard it is you can’t escape reality
Death is inevitable, I’ll admit I’ve been skeptical
I had a lot more than what I deserved
Life is a beautiful thing, I observed
It made me shed tears,
It made me smile fake,
It made me stumble and fall,
It kept me awake till sunshine fell on my face
It gave me reasons to aimlessly contemplate lives
All the good times, the morning walks, the evening drives
Its all going end soon, I don’t think I’ll make it up till next June.

My parents were hesitant to tell me about this. How could they tell? I didn’t know about this till 17th August 2015, when I was having my cup of coffee and decided to read all the letters Sarah used to send from San Francisco. That was when I had this envelope in my hand dated on 14th August, curious to know what it had I opened it. Little did I know, it was for me, to me, about me. I was shell shocked, and stared at the pouring rain outside my window. It was from Grace hospitals,  which stated that I was in the second stage of blood cancer. The most astonishing thing was that I didn’t have tears nor did I move an inch. Stood there in absolute silence, hard as a stone. My mind was baffled. I was devastated. I went out in the pouring rain and got myself drenched, tears slipped down my face. Every muscle of my body could feel the heat of the situation and chills of the rain. It was difficult. It was unbelievable. I understood why Arman wasn’t talking to me past 2 days, whenever I called him, I felt his tone happy when he heard my voice but gradually his voice used to go low. He would tell he has work, and that he would call when he is free. Arman and I were dating since 26 months and 14 days today,  he loved me not like how it happens in movies but rather how it would happen if we were authors of any book. I wore my hoody, took the keys of my car and drove to his place. As expected he was in his room and surfing on his laptop. He saw me and welcomed me with a warm hug, the tight hug gave me the warmth I needed at that very moment. I sat down to him, looked into his eyes, he couldn’t. I told him that I knew about my disease. He saw me with his perplexed expression. I  smiled and just 8 seconds later saw tears in my eyes. He hugged me once again and I started crying bitterly, and for the first time I saw tears on his face too. He told this is the test of our love, I gave him a smile. He was unusual, he was my happiness. I loved him more than he thought. Arman and I never used to be without thinking about each other. He would often gift me flowers as he knew I loved them. With him everyday was so special. Every moment was something so cherishable. He held my hand and told, “Don’t worry, love. God is never bad to good people. Don’t lose hope, Mansi. We’ll face this battle together. Stop Crying now.” He stood and walked towards the balcony. I stood up held his hand, he pulled me towards him and both of us were in his balcony, the rain had stopped. I told him how much I loved him, he smiled. He carried me and I held him even closer, I kissed him on his cheeks and he kissed me back. Is everything alright? I asked. He responded with a yes. I asked him again, he responded the same once again. I asked, Are you sure, Arman? And then I got the answer, when tears fell from his face. “Don’t baby, You have a life ahead of you, if you love me truly, don’t let go of this life you have. For me” I said. Is there a life without you? He responded. Wasn’t this supposed to be the test of our love, love? I said.rain

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