This disease is slowly consuming me little by little taking me closer to death. If only life could offer us a second chance, if only I could fulfill all what my heart wants. The burning desire to explore all the horizons, to be a support to my parents, sadly that is not what is destined. All I have to give my parents is wails and grief after I leave this planet, I scream like a homeless and anguish beggar asking God, to give me another chance. I’m 19, with a few dreams, desires. Why did this disease choose me? It’s like giving you something and taking it away like it didn’t matter at all. The melancholy of my soul, the pain in my eyes, the misery in my heart will remind me the cruelty of fate. People will only give sympathy and eyes filled with sorrow for me when all I need is support and an answer to all the unsolved question in my mind. My journey will soon come to an end, my life will come to immobility of actions and thoughts. I’ll be seeing my own world destroy with my own eyes and be completely helpless. My life is in a maze currently, I want to give up and rest in eternal peace and also a part of my heart craves to see a medical miracle and get over and win this disease ,But sadly our lives are not like the ones Disney movies show.
This urge to live, this urge to have spent some more time with the people I love is burning. Life’s playing the worst of all pranks on me. Each time I close my eyes I am afraid if I’d never open them again. With every heartbeat I hear a louder sound of the lubb-dubb in my heart. I tear apart and fall on my feet still does life change the truth? This harsh thing is nothing but the reality. I now realize how it is to see the different phases of life. We humans want to control everything we can, but can we control death and disease?
Time in this temporary world, is the most valuable entity
No matter how hard it is you can’t escape reality
Death is inevitable, I’ll admit I’ve been skeptical
I had a lot more than what I deserved
Life is a beautiful thing, I observed
It made me shed tears,
It made me smile fake,
It made me stumble and fall,
It kept me awake till sunshine fell on my face
It gave me reasons to aimlessly contemplate lives
All the good times, the morning walks, the evening drives
Its all going end soon, I don’t think I’ll make it up till next June.
My parents were hesitant to tell me about this. How could they tell? I didn’t know about this till 17th August 2015, when I was having my cup of coffee and decided to read all the letters Sarah used to send from San Francisco. That was when I had this envelope in my hand dated on 14th August, curious to know what it had I opened it. Little did I know, it was for me, to me, about me. I was shell shocked, and stared at the pouring rain outside my window. It was from Grace hospitals, which stated that I was in the second stage of blood cancer. The most astonishing thing was that I didn’t have tears nor did I move an inch. Stood there in absolute silence, hard as a stone. My mind was baffled. I was devastated. I went out in the pouring rain and got myself drenched, tears slipped down my face. Every muscle of my body could feel the heat of the situation and chills of the rain. It was difficult. It was unbelievable. I understood why Arman wasn’t talking to me past 2 days, whenever I called him, I felt his tone happy when he heard my voice but gradually his voice used to go low. He would tell he has work, and that he would call when he is free. Arman and I were dating since 26 months and 14 days today, he loved me not like how it happens in movies but rather how it would happen if we were authors of any book. I wore my hoody, took the keys of my car and drove to his place. As expected he was in his room and surfing on his laptop. He saw me and welcomed me with a warm hug, the tight hug gave me the warmth I needed at that very moment. I sat down to him, looked into his eyes, he couldn’t. I told him that I knew about my disease. He saw me with his perplexed expression. I smiled and just 8 seconds later saw tears in my eyes. He hugged me once again and I started crying bitterly, and for the first time I saw tears on his face too. He told this is the test of our love, I gave him a smile. He was unusual, he was my happiness. I loved him more than he thought. Arman and I never used to be without thinking about each other. He would often gift me flowers as he knew I loved them. With him everyday was so special. Every moment was something so cherishable. He held my hand and told, “Don’t worry, love. God is never bad to good people. Don’t lose hope, Mansi. We’ll face this battle together. Stop Crying now.” He stood and walked towards the balcony. I stood up held his hand, he pulled me towards him and both of us were in his balcony, the rain had stopped. I told him how much I loved him, he smiled. He carried me and I held him even closer, I kissed him on his cheeks and he kissed me back. Is everything alright? I asked. He responded with a yes. I asked him again, he responded the same once again. I asked, Are you sure, Arman? And then I got the answer, when tears fell from his face. “Don’t baby, You have a life ahead of you, if you love me truly, don’t let go of this life you have. For me” I said. Is there a life without you? He responded. Wasn’t this supposed to be the test of our love, love? I said.